Dangling Carrots

imageSo it’s been three whole weeks since my last drink of alcohol! Oh my how the first week dragged, especially the lead up to the first weekend. That was the hardest I think. Once that was out of the way, I kind of knew what to expect. I’ve had days of severe exhaustion that hits mid afternoon, and the odd grumpy, prickly day, or maybe that’s just me anyway.

My initial goal, aside from getting through each day in the very first week, was to do a 30 day alcohol free challenge. Will I drink on Thursday, 5th of May? I really don’t think so. I feel so good right now and I’m certainly not ready to give in on this. I think it is safe to say that this one is going to be a 50 day challenge. Why not 60? That’s rather predictable and 50 is half way to 100, which might, just might, be the new goal after the next.

So what’s the carrot that’s being dangled to keep me on this path you might ask. I think the largest, juiciest one is not wanting to let myself or my supporters down. As I’ve mentioned before, only a handful of people know that I’m doing this. Not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed. Not at all! I just don’t think that not drinking for 30 days is a big deal to most people and I don’t want to have anyone make me feel like it’s not a major achievement for me. I don’t have a sweet tooth in the slightest and never eat chocolate, candy or cakes. Going without them means nothing to me, but for some of my family and friends it’s a major thing to go 2 days without a Kit-Kat or sugar in their tea. It’s all relative right?

Also, I want to be able to have a bigger impact on those that don’t know, when I eventually tell them. To be able to have a couple of months or more under my belt would make me feel  even prouder. My daughter lives away and does not know anything about this. She’s used to seeing me passed out on a regular basis, even in when she brings friends around late at night. I’m not proud of that but she’s never given me a hard time really. I really want to be able to say that I’ve been sober for quite a while next time I see her. She knows how much of a hard time I gave myself over my drinking, and I want to make her proud and for her to realize  that we can achieve what we think is impossible if we really want to.

I have to thank some key people helping me get this far.A big shout out to my fab husband Ed for just being Ed. What a guy to put up with such a lush the past twenty or so years and to stick by me. Also to my brother who is one of the wisest owls I know and can read me like a book. I don’t have a sister, but I have Jemima who is probably closer to me than a sister could be. She is named after the character from the musical Cats. In the play, she hears the rejected cat Grizabella’s plea and encourages her  and  asks the other cats to see the good in her as they duet on Memory. My Jemima has always tried to get me to see some good in me even when I seemed to hit rock bottom. She has never judged or patronized me, just been an unbelievable tower of strength.

I’m not blogging every day anymore. In the first few days I needed to just to keep myself on track and as another reason not to give in. I guess that was my residential rehab phase so to speak, and now it’s like a bi weekly check-in point as an added safety net. I’m grateful to anyone that reads this, so thank you for popping by! I hope my words help you if you are on a similar journey. I know that the words of others has helped me more than I thought was possible. Here’s to the  next eighteen days. Roll on Day 50!


2 thoughts on “Dangling Carrots

  1. Go Stella! I have also told no one but my husband about this go round, partly because I have made dramatic announcements in the past: “I will never drink again!” and then end up sheepishly ordering drinks at the next outing. Or, I then have to sneak drinks because of the embarrassment of not living up to my latest pledge. I am getting close to 30 days, so I will hang in there with you!
    — S

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah carrotts, the root vegetable of all evil, but stick with it (see whatvi did there ..carrott, stick..;)..but greatvto hear you doing so well…watch out for that false sense of security stage though. Doing this for all the right reasonscand with 3 weeks outside of it now am sure you can see the viscious circle of self loathing so drink so self loath again in all its stupid clarity. So proud!!!


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